Torture with a Loaf of Sadness in the Mist
by Xagrok
Summary: Nico shadow-travels to the wrong place. A crossover with German star Bernd das Brot. Contains German.


Nico would have imagined hell to be filled with fire, screams, and lots of people. He wouldn't have imagined himself going there in the first place - his father and Thanatos wouldn't have allowed him to go anywhere but to Hades after his death, so the Fields of Punishment, or his father's socks were probably the worst places he'd have to fear - but here he was.

Hell sure was a strange place. No fire, no heat, nobody. Instead, he'd woken up to vast, bright white emptiness along with music that would have been too annoying even for mortal elevators that sometimes changed to deafening silence was all that engulfed him. He only had himself and the robotic, stupidly cheerful voice that occasionally said things he couldn't understand.

Oh, and the strange creature beside him. As soon as he saw that thing, he was sure that he had fallen unconscious or asleep after shadow-travelling for the first time in years. Why else would there be a talking loaf of bread that looked like a human that hadn't slept in a week? It was dragged in by a plunger, yelling "Nein!" all the time and, judging from its voice, complaining all the time. When the complaining had fallen on deaf ears, it had tried to go to its left in search of an exit - only to reappear to Nico's right.

"Wirklich? Die alte 'Geh zur einen Seite raus und komm zur anderen wieder rein'-Nummer? Habt ihr mittlerweile nicht einmal mehr Kreativität, um mich hier zu foltern?", it grumbled. Despite not knowing what it said, Nico felt a strange connection to the talking food - a feeling he quickly shook off again. This had to be a dream and he tried to wake himself, and when that didn't work, to change his dreams in order to escape his surroundings.

"Alte Methoden haben sich bewährt - und nun viel Spaß mit Bernd das Brot beim KiKa Superbrotlent!", the voice jubilated while repetitive, happy music started playing. Nico mused on whether he should try to fly in this dream, look for an exit, or do fun things like sewing his ears shut.

His attempts that usually helped - willed dream-manipulation, slapping himself, pulling his hair - didn't do anything. Unconscious it was, then. Nico hated realistic dreams of torture.

The worst thing wasn't that he couldn't understand either the robot or the bread. Really, that was no problem. He could have ridded himself of either. The problem was that his method of riddance, shadow-travelling, had been taken away from him - he couldn't do much to counter his exhaustion, after all. And Solace would kill him if he tried to use his powers in his current state again. This place was obnoxiously bright and evenly lit so things appeared strangely flat. So evenly lit, in fact, that there was no shadow large or consistent enough to shadow-travel - thus, he was stuck here, listening to the seemingly never-ending lullaby of this deserted hell that would make plastic rubbing against plastic sound like complex symphonies. To add to his misery, he also felt strangely weakened, as if he'd traveled a long distance, so he'd need to regain energy for a while.

The bread was still rambling, throwing its hands that either had no arms or much too short ones in Nico's direction. "... und dann lasst ihr mich hier einfach mit irgendeinem Bekloppten mit einem Schwert, der noch nicht einmal meine Sprache spricht, in dieser weißen Hölle zurück. Das ist lächerlich. Nennt ihr das etwa Gesellschaft?"

Nico sighed and started cleaning his sword. His dream had to end sooner or later - at the latest when someone would storm into his cabin to wake him up. For whatever reason, Clovis seemed out of reach, so he had no other option than to wake himself up.

"Oh, dich stört also, dass ihr euch nicht verstehen könnt?", the voice said, sounding mildly amused now. Nico raised his head in suspicion. While he wasn't able to understand a single word the thing uttered, the bread's reaction whenever this tone was hit was indication enough that this would lead to nothing good.

"Moment, was hast du denn nun vor, sadistische Stimme aus dem Nichts?", the bread said in panic. Nico immediately jumped to his feet, his sword at the ready, watchful eyes scanning the endless whiteness. "Nein!", the bread yelled.

Suddenly, a hair dryer in two pieces descended from above along with plungers. The former engulfed the bread while the plungers seemed to pull at the ground. Finally, the bread was released. "Nein! Oh Mann.", it grumbled and sighed "Mist."

Nico blinked. Underneath the bread, letters had begun appearing while it started talking. Not any unreadable letters - ancient greek ones. _No! Oh Man. Fudge._

Nico blinked again. "Wait, this robot thing gave us subtitles?", he asked. The bread blinked and looked at him. "Untertitel? Großartige Idee. Jetzt können mich gleich zwei Stimmen nerven." _Subtitles? Great idea. Now two voices can annoy me._

Nico crossed his arms before his body. "What's that supposed to mean, loaf of bread? And why am I here?"

The bread quickly read the subtitles and then murmured again. Nico couldn't understand it, but the subtitles helped him yet again. _Great, now this kiddo can understand me, too. As if this automated voice and this white hell aren't enough._

"I can read the subtitles as well, you know", the son of Hades said, annoyance creeping into his voice. The bread sighed again.

"Ich bin Bernd das Brot und es sieht so aus, als wärst du der bemitleidenswerte Tropf, der mit mir hier gefangen ist. Zur Situation: Hier kommt man nicht heraus. Man geht zur einen Seite raus und kommt zur anderen wieder rein. Ein endloser Kreis inmitten des Plastikgedudels und der sadistischen automatisierten Stimme, die nur der Busch erfunden haben kann."

 _I'm Bernd the Bread and it looks like you're the poor devil who's trapped with me here. As for the situation: You'll never get out of here. You go out on one side and re-enter to the other. An endless circle in the middle of plastic racket and the sadistic automated voice that can only have been invented by the Bush._

"Ah. I'm Nico, son of Hades. Looks like I'm trapped here as well. Look, we can escape. All I need-" Nico wasn't able to finish as Bernd was soon up in his space, his hopeless, empty eyes too close for comfort as he jumped up and down on his nonexistent legs, the tiniest glimmer of hope in his voice that shot out like venom from Dr. Thorn.

"Wirklich? Du kannst mich hier rausbringen? Ich werde alles tun, um dieser Hölle zu entkommen. Kannst du dich dann auch um den Busch und das Schaf kümmern? Ich will die beiden loswerden und endlich wieder meine Raufasertapete anstarren, ohne-"

"I get it, I get it! Get off me!", Nico clamoured while shoving Bernd off. What was his deal?

"Okay, Bread, the first thing we need is something we can cast a shadow with."

The bread slowly opened his mouth and closed it again. "Mist", he said. "Öhm, ich habe hier leider nichts. Könntest du nicht vielleicht eins deiner Kleidungsstücke ausziehen? Du kannst die Zuschauer ja ignorieren." _Fudge. Uhm, I don't have anything here. Couldn't you take off one of your garments? You can ignore the audience._

"Wait, you believe me?", Nico asked in suspicion.

"Wenn du so viel Zeit hier und mit diesen anderen Verrückten verbracht hast, wirst du irgendwann verzweifelt genug, um allem außer der Stimme zu glauben." _If you spend enough time here and with other crazy people, you'll be desperate enough to believe anything but the voice._

"Fair point," Nico agreed as he was about to take off his T-Shirt - his jacket given to him by Hazel hadn't been with him when he had woken up - when he froze. "Audience? What are you talking about? We're alone here."

Bernd shifted uncomfortably, pointing with his whole hand - it seems he wasn't able to bend any of his fingers or anything on his body overall too much, just able to do a minimum of movement with a maximum of stiffness - towards one part of the void. "Du kannst sie nicht sehen, aber momentan schauen viel zu viele Leute, die gerade im Bett sein sollten, allem zu, was wir machen. Aber ignorier die, ich will zurück zu meiner Raufasertapete." He moved a bit to the direction he'd pointed towards. "Habt ihr mich gehört?! Geht. Ins. Bett."

 _You can't see them but way too many people who should be in bed are watching our every step right now. Ignore them, I want to go back to my ingrain wallpaper. Did you hear that?! Go. to. bed._

Nico quickly pulled his T-Shirt back over his head. He paid the Bernd's protests no mind. "Strip in front of an audience? Was your brain not properly baked or have you started moulding?" he growled with a deep-etched scowl on his face.

Bernd didn't seem to be too thrilled. "Ich hätte es wissen sollen. Allein in der weißen Hölle mit einem Bekloppten, der mich retten könnte, dafür aber zu unnütz ist. Mist."

"What do you mean 'I'm useless' and 'nuts'? I've yet to see you try anything productive, Bread", Nico snapped back at him.

"Ja, natürlich werde ich was versuchen mit meinen viel zu kurzen Armen." To prove his point, he waggled his arms, which were indeed much too short, back and forth. "Immer auf den anderen rumhacken können Leute mit Armen wohl gut, hm? Was hab ich erwartet", he ranted.

"Vielleicht werde ich euch ja helfen, wenn ihr für mich tanzt", the robotic voice said.

 _Maybe I'll help you if you dance for me._

Nico narrowed his eyes. Dancing seemed like a task too simple for receiving help in escaping if Bernd had been trapped here for so long. There had to be a catch. "Oh, ihr braucht euch keine Sorgen zu machen. Ihr werdet nach eurem Tanz eine Belohnung erhalten, versprochen."

 _Oh, no need to worry. You'll receive your reward after your dance, promise._

Great. The voice could read thoughts, apparently. And the reassurance to receive help wasn't reassuring at all. Then again, he was up against a robot, and technology had changed since his youth - maybe they did have concepts like mercy programmed in them.

Nico groaned. He had spent too much time in the company of Bernd, apparently, even without understanding him. The bread seemed to radiate darkness, after all.

As if on cue, the gloomy bread chimed in. "Wie soll ich bitte mit meinen viel zu kurzen Armen und Beinen tanzen? Das ist so, als würde man von Busch und Schaf erwarten, ruhig zu sein."

Okay, the catch with the dancing was probably Bernd's problematic physique. There was worse to work with, though, after all of Nico's travels. He also had to ask him after this Busch and Schaf later.

* * *

An embarrassing display of dancing later - gods, why had he agreed when who knows how many mortals were able to see this - he padded with his feet on the ground impatiently. "So? Where's the promised reward?", Nico said.

 _Reward? Oh, you did get a reward - dancing is such a fun activity! You'll dance your next dance very soon - on KiKa's Superbreadlent!_

Nico felt more annoyed by the second and Bernd's whining didn't help either. The bread complained about his life and Nico felt a bit of sympathy. He still wanted to slice him up a bit to shut him up and have something to eat, but Bernd was more relatable now. He had to go through these things all the time? No wonder he looked like someone who had been told that the mountain of gems they'd found was nothing more that a pile of schist.

"Und der Tanz war nicht einmal gut! Da tanze ich lieber Disco zum Musical von Hänksel und Brötel!" Nico barely got the image of Bernd in a jumpsuit with an afro and stupid shades into his head when the the hair dryer descended on both of them and squashed them individually between the pieces of metal. When he got out again, his eyes almost jumped out of their sockets when he was clad in the attire he'd tried to get out of his head. Bernd was wearing a wig but that seemed to cause him less trouble than the platform shoes enveloping his tiny feet. Nico himself struggled with staying upright when another obnoxious piece of music started playing with colourful lights projected everywhere from a disco ball that, again seemed to hang on to nothing. Likewise, people appeared out of thin air and started dancing to the ridiculous situation. Bernd, obviously fed up, screamed "STOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!" (Nico didn't need the subtitles for this one) and caused everybody to halt. "Hört sofort mit dieser dämlichen Musik auf. Habt ihr nichts Besseres zu tun? Geht nach Hause und schlaft!"

Grumbling, the newly-appeared guests vanished again, leaving only Nico behind whose clothes had magically changed back to his former attire.

Nico went over to Bernd and hit him on the head.

"Autsch! Wofür war das denn?", he yelled.

"What that was for? Shouldn't you know what that was for? We could have held on to one of them to escape, too! I could have tried to get in between them and shadow-travel out of here! Why did you send them away?"

Bernd's face blanked on that and he stared on the ground and grumbled to himself.

 _He's right. I could have escaped. Why, why WHY? FUDGE._

The voice decided to talk again, but this time, Nico was having none of it. "Shut up!", he yelled and turned over to Bernd. "You know, we could always lay down to sleep. The sooner I sleep, the sooner my energy will be back. Shadow-travelling will be much easier then."

Bernd looked at him with his mouth wider open. "Weißt du, darüber habe ich noch nie nachgedacht. Eventuell, weil dieses Gedudel zu schwer zu ignorieren ist. Aber okay, versuchen wir's. Hauptsache, wir entkommen dieser weißen Hölle!"

After receiving Bernd's consent, Nico laid down and closed his eyes, almost immediately falling asleep again.

* * *

Their sleep lasted approximately ten seconds when the birds came down and pecked him. Slicing the malevolent creatures, he noticed they dissolved into gold dust.

Ohoho, we can't have you fall asleep during KiKa's Superbread or you'll be disqualified! Next up, we'll have you do these gymnastics tricks!, the voice cheered.

"Ver. Giss. es.", Bernd said. Nico nodded. That voice could forget them doing more of this work and if it bothered him any further, Nico was going to forget himself.

"Ich fürchte, ich kann das nicht tun, und nun viel Spaß mit KiKas Gymnastikstube!"

"No."

Bernd looked at him in wonder. Forget about shadow-traveling out of here or sleeping. Nico was angry. He took his Stygian iron sword from his belt, held it with both hands, then thrust it into the ground. A high tone resounded through the endless whiteness - Nico paid no attention to it as he pounded the ground with his sword. Slowly, the ground started cracking. He enlarged the hole with his sword more and more until debris was lying next to it. Nico dipped into his powers, making the whole room shake. Cracks started appearing in the ground as the ground broke loose.

"Take my hand, bread. If they won't let us go, we'll make our own way."

Bernd gaped at him with a open-mouthed, but wobbled over to Nico and reached for his hand.

Just before their hands touched, they heard applause and raised their heads. Right above them, numbers had appeared. Two tens and a nine.

"And the jurors have decided, Nico di Angelo wins the Superbread!" Confetti fell down on them and claps resounded through the space.

All of a sudden, Nico was wearing a jarringly colourful sash and a flower crown. He clenched his teeth and started shaking. He nearly exploded - the ground did, in fact, as Nico wreaked havoc, cursing in a mix of English, Italian, and Ancient Greek.

And that's how Nico destroyed the KiKa building and drove the tormentors of Bernd in deep debt - which the bread had to work off afterwards.


End file.
